Some time after I came back I was in a Polish mode. It’s some sort of depth and maturity. One avrech (married man) said that always after I come back from Poland he sees this spark of difference in my eyes.
During summer when I was in Warsaw I had more time to think… It passed through my mind that I need to be more on top of things. I was also lonely…
There are two of me. Max and Hillel. I have two personalities. The first is more emotionally exchanging with people and mature. The second is more loud, more of a player and a hacker. Max is more polish and so deep and real. Hillel is more western and self conscious, he may also seem fake because things are more means to another goals. Changing subject..
‘Who am i?’ I’m asking myself. ‘What do i want to do?’ is bombing my conscience and not only.
On one hand I would like to learn holy Torah.
I would like to change the world also.
In any case I want to grow, change, get smarter and gain perspective. Again changing subject.
I’m glad I was young enough when I was exposed to Americans to pick up self conscience from them. They are masters of it.
Bein hazemanim came. It strengthened my feelings. I feel the world is too big for just me… much too big… and i want to change it… (both sences)
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